1-Star Reviews, Emergency Help for Authors

Just got burned with a 1-star review? Here's what to do.

Template for the typical 1-star review

So, you want to write a 1-star review, huh? There are some books out there that ARE TERRIBLE, and if you encounter a book that fails to deliver on the promise made by its cover and product description, you should write a review that points this out.

Here is a list of what are NOT acceptable reasons for posting a 1-star review:

– You know/met/saw a photo of the author and decided he/she is a jackass, therefore his/her book can’t be good.

– The author got a huge cash advance for this book.

– You don’t normally read this genre, but decided to give it a shot, then did not like it (as expected).

*

However, if you want to be a snarky reviewer, the above reasons are exactly what you need to get your vitriol flowing!

(Please note, what follows is for entertainment purposes only. We ask that you do not actually post snarky reviews.)

First, begin your review by saying, “I wanted to like this book, but ...”

This is the equivalent of gossiping among your friend and looking around quickly before saying, “I really shouldn’t tell you guys this, but …”

This phrase lets people know you are about to LAY DOWN the SNARK!

Try using some hurtful adjectives without backing them up with facts. Imagine the worst words someone could say about your own work, make a list, and try to use as many as you can. There are points! Some to start with: undeveloped, amateur, amateurish, ridiculous, unrealistic, cardboard, predictable, tedious, self-indulgent, dreck, unintentionally hilarious, pathetic, whiny, Jonathan Franzen, eye-roll-inducing, average, failure as masturbatory aid, etc.

Finally, call attention to the price of the book and tell everyone that the book is not worth that amount of money, not even if it is free, for then it is dangerously wasteful of people’s time, and goodness knows people would never want to waste their time reading a fictional work about made-up people doing made-up things.

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This entry was posted on March 10, 2012 by in 1-stars.

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This site is for entertainment purposes only and the author assumes no liability for the content. This site does not provide psychological or legal advice.
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